What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 07:29
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And i lived it daily.
What life lesson did you learn the hard way?
I was scared of men, in general
But, we were locked up after school.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why did my ex-narcissist move so fast with his new supply marriage engagement moving in, etc.?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I couldn’t, believe it.
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Should we consider deporting democrats to Canada?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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I have no regrets .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One cannot live in the past .
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But ive been too sick for many years..
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
All the time i was locked up.
So, i spoilt her more .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I write beautiful poetry .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Why are women attracted to ugly guys?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She wouldn,t have been !
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
What did i know ?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We were not on the streets..
My family never makes their pension either.
It was going to be , some day.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I said to her
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Would this be the day?
Im still living with it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She found it foreign!.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I waited trembling.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was in good health!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
When she asked me how she looked .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Comes on , in middle age.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
This is soul school!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Who then, do I blame.?
She loved him until the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I will be 64.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I don,t even have a pension.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My life is so biszare .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Especially a lifetime of it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So whats the point in blame.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I never cut or harmed myself..
He knew the spot.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Was to survive, this bastard.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But it wasn’t much.
As i do to all so called friends.?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why did i forgive my father ?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Ive learnt so much.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She married twice! .
I was 9 years of age.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Put me off passion for life!!
We all went to grammer schools
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I think the readers, may guess!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was seconnd youngest,
I was very sick at this time too.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.